Why do we avoid or seek out the jealous feelings of others?
What are the differences between jealousy and envy? Jealousy is more physical, it takes over the body, it feels more primitive. Envy is more mental, a cooler feeling located more in the mind than the body. Envy is more socially acceptable: to hear or to say, “I envy you” is less alarming than, “I’m jealous of you.”
There are people who want others to feel envious of them, they like it, but why? There are obviously cultural differences that shape the individual’s relationship to envy but our childhood experiences are also likely to play a role in the extent to which we seek out or avoid the envy of others.
The need to avoid other people’s jealousy may be rooted in experiences such as a more powerful other acting on their jealous feelings by taking something precious away or else hurting a child they felt jealous of. Witnessing the negative repercussions of a jealous other might be as instructive as experiencing those repercussions oneself.
Negative experiences of jealous others may lead to different ways of avoiding the jealous other as an adult: refraining from having anything precious that can be taken away; living a life with a head under the parapet; hoarding precious things or keeping them secret.
Maybe those who like to make others envy them may have had similar negative experiences but now, as adults, they feel powerful and can keep what they previously lost or were punished for.
Or perhaps as children they felt jealous of others and there was nothing that others felt jealous of towards them and now, as adults, they can turn the table. Making others envy them can feel empowering if they previously felt that others were disgusted or ashamed of them or indifferent towards them. Maybe the act of creating such a powerful feeling in another person is sufficient for them to feel alive or, in extreme cases, it is the only way they can feel alive.
Someone told me a story of a woman who is in an abusive relationship with a controlling man. He has control over everything that she does including her intensive fitness regime. They went on holiday and whilst sunbathing together by the pool it became apparent that a group of younger men were looking at her. The man told her to take off her bikini top. It seems that making other jealous is one of the ways that he uses her to make himself feel more powerful (presumably so long as he feels he has absolute control over her ability to leave the relationship).
It seems that people who like to make others jealous do so long as they are confident that others do not have the power to take away the object of jealousy.
Observing a jealous person is a turn off and observing them act on their jealous feelings is alarming. It is usually not possible to know if it is jealousy that is driving their behaviour but sometimes it appears to be the only available hypothesis. To admit ones jealousy is a failure, to be jealous is usually to be ashamed of one’s jealousy. And so jealousy usually lurks in the shadows. Perhaps that is why it is often a relief when a third party brings it to light.
No matter how small or how large we make our lives we may not be able to avoid or prompt the jealous feelings of others. And no matter what choices we make in our lives we may not be able to avoid our own feelings of jealousy towards others. Surely the best we can do is to honestly examine the constellation of jealous feelings in our lives so that they are less able to drive what we do and how we feel.
